James Deen, the Boy Next Door

I’ve never dreamt of being an actor, I prefer leaving the attributes muscles and doorknob IQs to the Jersey Shore dudes. Identification is the key, and I have a hard time doing that, watching some jerk with a hairy ass pounding a girl. Kind of makes me want to be the chick instead, which in turns gives a hard shake to my sexual orientation. Then it gets out of hand, i find myself feverishly typing “gay” in my search toolbar, anxious with the fear of getting busted. Try explaining that to your bros coming across your search history: “Well, that’s not me, that’s a friend, we were messing around, just looking for a good laugh ya know. Me? Gay? Are you out of your fucking mind? I’m the real deal man. Down for the puss-eeeeh. Tons of pussy. Ass-slap and all. Haha those sluts!!!…” Mmmm.

Awkward.

As a kid, Bryan Rothstein didn’t know he would change the game, but at 12 he was already chain smoking cigarettes like James Dean, because he was a hunk. Done deal, James Deen would be the perfect tag! This skinny emo kid didn’t quite have the profile of a pornstar but he had a strong interest in it, probably fooled by the short yet intense career of Jenna Jameson, thinking he could screw her someday. It’s all right James, we’ve all been through that, you can cry on my big brother’s shoulder, I’ll hand you out this infamous lesbian scene shot in the restroom of a restaurant that you can’t bring yourself to watch since streaming has killed the DL industry.

James is now 17 years old, a bit too young to act legally, but he decides to drop college and give porn a chance. He catches the eye of the smart Eon McKai just before he comes of age and gets to shoot his first scene in Art School Sluts (Eon McKai – 2004). Our man Eon wanted a young and hip actor, and he made the right choice with our emo-jew hipster.

Since then, James has been going from one studio to another. No need to look any further, he’s simply the best. James is a craftsman of pure luxury gonzo porn that brightens up our solo nights. This motherfucker has that certain something that gets girls panties wet. He introduced the Boy Next Door category, the cool guy from the 5th floor that hot chicks meet up for drinks (told you, I like to identify myself). After those friendly drinks, he fucks them on his couch, but in the best fuck buddy spirit, a gift from a friend to another friend. The age of daddy porn is over, the hot new thing is 20-26 years old, cool guys, hot girls, laid-back spirit and your girlfriend digs it too. I know you’re going to ask me, Gonzo, what is that certain something that makes us all melt? I was expecting this question. Follow my lead.

Jew ? Serious business

Well how can I put it? James Deen is everything cool. In Nurses (Digital Playground – 2009), poor guy is sick as hell, lying in his bed, and the intern is Stoya (could be worse for an hospitalization), but unfortunately it’s the chubby chief nurse who examines him. Ironic, offbeat, humorous. Then he ends up banging Stoya, the shy intern – I got a boner just re-reading this line – and i long for another scene so that I don’t end up in the emergency room. Neu Wave Hookers (Eon McKai – 2006), girls in front of the TV talking about DP. Highly unremarkable scene, one of the girls says she’s already done it, the others go ooooohhhhhh, all this being a pretense for another sex scene, but not this time. Here come James Deen and his buddy Tommy Pistol for a whole 5 minute of dancing on “Dig It”, a video on heavy rotation at the grocery store. This guy is the shit. And even though those events are a bit outdated as this article dates back from the naive first steps of this blog, it’s still accurate because James doesn’t get old, he’s immortal like any cool person is.

Eon McKai –  Neu Wave Hookers

I didn’t bet that I’d use “cool” as many times as I possibly could in this article, but how can you define an actor as good as he is in any other way? What would you have said to Justin Timberlake if he had the productions of his 2nd album in his first one? Wouldn’t you have called him the ultimate hunk of pop music despite his curls that made him look like a twat? What do french porn stars listen to? Would they fly from the US just to see Mike Patton perform at Rock en Seine? James did it. So chill out man.

All hail the new generation while it takes over the sleepy pornsphere. We can thank James Deen, because thanks to him our girls suck us off while watching his respectable dick. He’s the most awesome way of bringing them to the threesome Holy Grail, considering that our guy is lucky enough to fuck what’s best on the girl next door market: Stoya, Lexi Belle, Lily Labeau, Kristina Rose, Riley Steele, Faye Reagan… My brain is about to blow up. Thank you man.

Stop reading this article scratching your balls, you obviously didn’t get that we’re talking about the world’s coolest porn star, or you wouldn’t be skimming through this article. So i’m gonna give you a little piece of advice: you’re gonna go on a scavenger hunt for his best videos, i don’t how to manage, either raise some funds or you mess with every illegal download laws, but by tomorrow I want a detailed report on your masturbation, I want to know everything, if you’ve felt like touching Lexi Belle’s tiny bum while our guy was taking care of you (we’re intimate, come DM me). I want you to agree with me, because there’s no other option. This also stands for you, the big perv reading this blog at work, I want to know if you’ve finally stopped watching crap to satisfy your needs. Everyone now, join your hands to give James Deen a round of applause. Thanks to him your girlfriends are happy, thanks to him you can gain some time, wanking and fucking your girl at the same time. Thanks to James, you can shine in society, you can talk dirty hiding behind the fact that you’re an alt porn fan and not the average wanker. Become the hippest of guys, become the coolest coolest of gals.

What a wonderful era we live in.

Originally translated from this post by Diane Lebel.

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